Difference Between Nun and Bathtub - What's the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun? The nun has a soul full of hope. What's the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show? The circus is an array of cunning stunts. Holly Happidays
Baking humor - Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Ten Important Men In Woman's Life - They are: Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off." Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide." Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?" Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?" Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in." Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots. Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering." Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?" Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
Women's Breasts Like a Train Set - Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time? Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
Email Like Penis - WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "Why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
Messed up teeth - Your mama's teeth are so messed up....i thought her tongue was in jail!
Name That Ranch - A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." "But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked. "None survived the branding."
Dishwasher Repair - What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Slap the bitch!
Using the Elevator - An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die." That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out. When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place." When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off. A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad. The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma."
Squirrels - Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip. Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees. "What's wrong?" They asked. "Yeah, you scared off our game." "I'm sorry, fellas. I didn't screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didn't yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS..." What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second, "Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?"
The morning after - Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said Bob. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Ebonics 101 - Welcome to EBONICS 101 Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar... "Damn- that shit is DOPE!" That is a wonderful concept/object/action. "Can't FADE that." I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time. "Shante ain't havin' it." This is not something that Shante will allow to occur. "Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats." Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music. "YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!" Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette? "JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!" I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity. "What's up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!" Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs. "She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!" The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time. "Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!" Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date. "STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER..." It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol. "Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!"~~~~ Why are the police officers always worried? "Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT."~~~~ It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.
Top Ten Most Violent Upcoming Movies - 10. "Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats" 9. "Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass" 8. "Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy" 7. "How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg's Bikini Wax" Oh, for God's sake. I'm sorry we had to print that one. 6. "Peyote Ugly" 5. "Circumcision: The Purification Begins" 4. "Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'" 3. "Field of Limbs" 2. "Terminal Velocity 2" starring Christopher Reeve 1. "How the Grinch Stole My Urethra"
Harry Butt - There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house. She called it Harrybutt. She had a child and named in Crack. She lost Crack and couldn't find him. So she called the police and said, " I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldn't find my crack!"
New rules for dieting! - 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream. 5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears. 6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage. 7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count. 8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off. 9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa. 10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.